Finding out that I was pregnant was not what I was expecting during a weekend work conference in Chicago. Being pregnant, unbeknownst to me, all I wanted to do was order room service hot dogs (it was Chicago after all) and lay in bed all day. Instead, I was on my feet for hours networking at our conference booth, knowing that something was up. It was all but confirmed when the taxi ride to the airport had me wishing for a barf bag.
I’ll be honest, I was not sure where I was at emotionally when I went to the store back home to pick up a home pregnancy test. I opted to take it alone so that I would have time to process the information before letting my boyfriend know. He had been expressing his desire for kids for the better part of a year, and I had been wishy washy at best. I valued my freedom and my bank account, but I was not getting any younger either. If I was going to do this thing, I needed to consider doing it soon.
My boyfriend was heading out of town for work when I got the positive result, and I made him come home immediately, even risking missing his flight, to give him the news. I curled up in bed and waited for him to arrive. When I showed him the test, he was shocked, but happy. He wanted to try to get out of his work trip, but I needed the weekend to myself anyway, so he left shortly after.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that everything has worked out the way that it has, but I do think it is important to take a moment to mourn the life that you used to have when you realize how drastically your life is going to change. I think some moms don’t do that and end up having it hit them after the baby comes, and that thought can be debilitating and detract from all of the feel-good, bonding hormones you need during the early months.
So much progress has been made diagnosing and treating postpartum depression, but depression can occur during your pregnancy as well. The thought had not occurred to me until that first trimester when I was probably feeling the most anxious and spent the most time reassessing my life. It didn’t help that my boyfriend was out of town a lot for work during those early weeks when I was not telling anyone yet, making me feel insulated. I found those first few weeks to be very isolating, and though I don’t think I was ever clinically depressed, I did spend more time crying and sleeping than I did at any other point in my pregnancy.
If I could have done one thing differently, it would have been to tell friends earlier. We waited a long time to tell people because of the inherent risks of miscarriage and we were afraid of jinxing it, but I think that was a mistake, at least in my case. If something had happened with the pregnancy, they would have found out anyway, so I’m not sure what I was waiting for.
Proactively educating myself about what was coming and planning for the coming months was the best defense for anxiety and for ultimately making the whole experience positive. I don’t know what I would have done without the wealth of information on the internet, and I began making regular trips to our public library again. I also spent way too much time on Amazon.com reading reviews and building a short, but well-researched, baby registry
To me, what was most scary was the unknown. Now that I have the little guy, he is so sweet and adorable that anxiety is really a non-issue. I really feel like this is the way forward. Waiting until you’re in your 30s to have kids can make you feel set in your ways, leading to feelings of loss regarding your former lifestyle, but on the flipside, it can make you feel more ready for the changes to come because you have already done many of the things you’ve wanted to. I’m looking forward to the time we’ll spend giving him the opportunity to explore the world and I’m ready to meet the challenges that come with raising a little person.
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Oh what a sensible approach to pregnancy and the life changing event that is having children. To be more prepared has to help the transition for sure. I think it is so important to admit to yourself that there will be changes that perhaps you hadn’t considered and that life does change dramatically. It is important not to raise the expectation of yourself too high – there will be bad days but so so many amazing days! Wonderful post #DreamTeam
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Thank you! Yeah, why make it harder on yourself? Know what you want to make sure you work to keep and accept that things will be different. Thanks for commenting!
This is such a good post and something which I can easily relate to. My pregnancy wasn’t planned, he was our surprise baby. We hadn’t been in a relationship very long so I was surprised how supportive all our friends and families were. Through my pregnancy I felt ready but I completely underestimated how much it would change my life.
Unlike you I mourned my old life after the birth of my son. In the midst of unbroken sleep and never ending cluster feeds, I missed the days where I could just watch TV alone. It took me a while to realise that these were normal feelings and that it’s OK. No midwife or health visitor tells you to mourn the loss of your freedom, they don’t tell you that everyone feels like this at times and that your not going crazy!
Brilliant post, I only wish I would have read it this time last year! #DreamTeam
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Oh yeah, that phase is hard enough without having to reconcile your own feelings about all that has changed. I could feel how easy it could be to fall into emotional distress if you did not actively work at it, and really, anyone is susceptible to PPD. I’m so glad you had so much support because we all need that. It is so happy and so hard all at the same time. Thank you for commenting!
I was 30 when I had my one and only daughter (hoping to have another one now that I’m remarried…but age is playing a big factor in making that come true). I remember I had an employee who was 19 and pregnant the same time I was and I found it fascinating how we both handled it and how our ages played a role in how we handled life.
Thanks for sharing your story =) #DreamTeam
That is really interesting. I can imagine that had I been much younger, I would have struggled a lot more with feeling like I was missing out somehow. Although I’m sure that’s really an individual thing. Good luck with working on your second one!
When I found out I was pregnant with my first I wasn’t depressed, but nor was I happy or excited. Like you, wanting a child was something Hubby was more gung-ho for than I was. Of course, once faced with the positive test he did a bit of a backpedal but got back on board pretty quick. Through the whole pregnancy, I was pretty “blah” about it. Once I held my daughter though, then I understood! I’m a completely different person than I was. I’m happier. I feel so much more fulfilled. I’m more confident. Sometimes I wonder if those of use who aren’t really “into” it at first are the ones with less risk of post-natal depression because up is really the only direction to go!
Possibly. Maybe we’re already weighing how our lives will change and others are a bit more blindsided by the reality? There are so many reasons for PPD though. I could have still easily fallen into it if I didn’t have the right support at the right times. Thanks for commenting!
I had my first baby at just 20. I feel like I missed out on going out with friends and dancing in nightclubs etc. But I wouldn’t change my life for anything now #GlobalBlogging
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I agree it’s good to be aware/educated. It gives us a sense of control. (Even though we have none 🙂 I am having my 5th child in a new country this May, I am as nervous as hell, purely because I don’t know the system, I find my comforts of knowing what to expect have vanished. So it’s off for a visitation to the hospital etc, just so that I can have some comfort 🙂 Great read! #globalblogging
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Yeah, definitely. I think that sense of control is really important for calming nerves and planning for all scenarios too. Good luck! Thanks for commenting!
I feel like I have run the gammit of pregnant emotions. A surprise a month after marriage, a miscarriage, a tedious pregnancy, a depressed and anxious one, identical twins…this is what happens when you have about a thousand kids!
@ablogginggoodtime
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No kidding, since every one can be different!
Mine was a total shocker and I didn’t expect it at all and my relationship had just ended. But I wouldn’t be without now or the world!!
Thanks for linking to #ablogginggoodtime
I think the crying durinb lregnancy is just hormones making you crazy. I cried many times for dumb reasons. The sleeping is also normal especially in the first trimester. Making a person is exhausting. I had to nap in my car at lunch just to get through the day.
I too had my baby in my 30s and I agree that there are certain advantages to this. The only disadvantage that I have found is that there isn’t much time to have more babies. I could only realistically have one more without rushing things or taking the risk of complications. #StayClassyMama
I agree. I’ve had that thought too, and it’s been made even worse by the health care situation in the country. You also have to save up to pay for the medical bills associated with having a baby, and that takes time too.
I too was very anxious when I found out I was pregnant with my first because I also wasn’t and still am not very good dealing with the unknown. I was scared. I was scared of everything that was to come but just like you found comfort in reading and researching about this new stage in my life. I had my first child at 32 and agree with you that it was the right time to do so. Even though I had to wave goodbye to a lot I used to be able to do I also didn’t feel like I was missing out. Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama
I think finding out you are parent is one of the most amazing but terrifying things out. Thinking you might want to be a mum one day – at whatever age and whether planned or not – is a whole lot different to actually being on that path to becoming one…..the fear of the unknown is one of the greatest out. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo
I totally mourned the loss of my pre-mom life when I found out I was pregnant, too. I think it happens to most new moms sooner or later and I’m glad I did it before birth 🙂 I was enjoying pregnancy soon after finding out about my daughter. #coolmumclub
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Yeah, for me, doing it before birth was also key. Thanks for the comment!
This is such a fab post as depression definitely can kick in whist pregnant and a lot of mums are not aware of this. I felt really down at the beginning of my pregnancy first time round , so many changes going on etc #blogstravaganza
Thank you. I think my first trimester was really where I felt like this the most. Good to hear I’m not the only one.
I totally agree that depression doesn’t just occur after birth. I remember being so anxious when I found out I was pregnant with my first, it went on for so long and I just couldn’t shake it! Well done you for speaking about it, raising awareness is such a great thing! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx
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I sometimes think about life before kids but to be honest I prefer life now – I don’t really mourn that time! #coolmumclub
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I didn’t after I had him. It was more when it was an unknown. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, and it turned out that it was in a good way.